You haven't. But you might be predisposed to not being disappointed by someone with this face and name. Maybe you've got it in your head that you're correcting a mistake.
I don't think you'd do it deliberately. You may have been a cruel man in the past, but you aren't one now. I trust you enough that you wouldn't try to hurt me or anyone you give a damn about.
[But now that he knows, he has to know:] What do you see when you look at me? Who do you see?
[ He doesn't know about being predisposed to not being disappointed by Mobius. The one he knew first disappointed him more than once, honestly.
Loki looks at Mobius for a steady moment. ]
I see a man of faith despite earlier crises and struggles with the structures of said faith who has expanded his understanding of the world he lives in as best he can, through books and lived experience and talking to people. I see a man whose first move had been to try and comfort the afflicted when he arrived here in Kirkwall. I see someone who listens and cares about the people he's surrounded by. I see a man who views others as puzzles, not to solve but in the sense of understanding that everyone is a mosaic instead of just one coherent image. I see someone who has secrets, and to be quite honest, I'm more than happy to have you keep them or give them away as you desire.
[ He spreads his hands. ]
It's not the same, actually. There are patterns, certainly, but is not the same.
[He breathes steady through it, in deep, out deep. Because it's one thing to see, and another to be seen. And it helps, it helps tremendously, to know that while Loki can see he keeps secrets, he's perfectly fine not digging at them. They might come up (inadvertently at this rate), they might not, but it's fine to leave them where they lie.
He's seen as someone who is himself and not a reflection of someone else.
He blinks through a spate of emotion. Smiles.]
You see all that, and yet you still can't see how beautiful you are.
Part of it means I like what I see. Obviously. And I'm not just talking about the outside. [Let's just take a sip of drink here. Hoo. Before we say too much, perhaps?] Part of it means I think you really, truly need to stop beating up on yourself. You make yourself so miserable like you think you deserve it. You don't like the misery, but is being...not miserable so foreign to you that you treat it like a friend?
I've been miserable for most of my life and was informed time and again that the lack must have been mine. That I had enough power, position, whathaveyou, to have not been miserable in the first place. Couldn't I just be like my brother instead?
[ Loki shakes his head. ]
It's familiar. The misery. The self-hatred. Centuries of familiarity. Things are hard? What haven't I been doing, then? Things are hard for everyone. If I suffer overmuch it must be by my own hand.
I want to help break you out of that. I just don't know if I can actually touch it. If anything I have to say will really make a difference to someone like you.
You don't have to try alone. You don't have to lock yourself up in bed for days and weeks. I should have stayed, when I was here, but I didn't think I'd be good company.
It's not as though I was inclined to be honest about what I wanted. [ Which was, in fact, for someone to be there with him. ] Needing other people is terrifying when you're certain you are one wrong step away from ending whatever precious few friendships you have.
I don't... [Whatever he was about to say, he shuts his mouth and decides to rephrase it into something that is more honest.] I mind this forceful honesty, but I don't think it's a reason not to kiss you. I'm not prone to lying to you, but I do tell half-truths and technicalities. I don't know what you would do if you learned the full truth of me, but...I also don't think you have any real place to judge.
You're in the middle of a lot of emotional turmoil. You'd be open to this, [with a motion between them] but I don't think it would be healthy for you to jump in with someone right now. And I'm a little afraid of what it would mean to get myself in the middle of you and at least two of your loves that you're having issues with. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to Sylvie or Alexandrie, either.
If I kissed you, right now, would you be able to stop at a kiss?
I'm going to set aside what I don't know of you for now, because I am fairly convinced that whatever it is, as upsetting or distressing or whatnot as it may be, will not be enough to change our friendship. Because I already know what you aren't, if that makes any sense.
[ He could be wrong, but. He doubts it. When you stab people in the back, literally, all the time, you tend to either have a very intense view of betrayal or an understanding that some things are never comfortable. Loki is attempting to embrace the latter concept, here. Either way, he shrugs. ]
If I told Sylvie that I kissed you she would probably laugh and ask me what took me so long. Or demand to know why I'm telling her in the first place. If I told Alexandrie she'd be happy that I was doing... something normal, I suppose. Normal for me, anyway.
[ Loki has to consider his answer to that last part. ]
I could. If you told me that's what you wanted, I could do that.
[ Is it what he'd desire? No. But that wasn't the question. ]
It is for me. [ Loki pulls a face; he doesn't want to say this, but: ]
I think perhaps it hasn't been, for you. Or maybe it hasn't ever been complicated and that's the disconnect. Either way, I'm not as worried as you are. About this.
[ Loki may be exhausted emotionally and physically on top of being sleep-deprived but he's far from stupid. It only takes him a few seconds to pull it all together, the fact that Mobius is a competent fighter, his somewhat knee-jerk reaction to learning that Mado and Loki could shape-shift, the fact that he has no magic of his own. ]
Templar. [ A breath. ] Okay.
[ He would really like to freak out about this. He would. The problem is he said that he didn't care about Mobius' secrets and he meant that, and to freak out now would be to make that more than a little bit of a lie and he, frankly, refuses to do that. Right now. Just no. ]
It doesn't change much. [ Loki is seriously considering finishing his drink, though, but again dismisses the impulse. ] It doesn't change what I want or what I'm interested in.
[He waits for an upset. For something to break, for a yell, for something. Hears it named, and then. It's just okay. It doesn't change much.
And he knows it has to be the truth. It's just still hard to believe that.]
For whatever it's worth, [and he still doesn't open his eyes, doesn't look at Loki, feels like he's waiting for judgement to pass and it passed him by and he feels...unworthy] I'm not one anymore. I'm not going back to the Chantry and fighting at their side as one. I'm here instead.
Don't tell anyone. If you can help it, under the circumstances.
[ It's still a little scary, somehow, in a bit of a distant sort of way, and it makes quite a bit of sense, but Loki feels better knowing that Mobius is friends with Rifters (like himself) and here, fighting the 'good' fight, or whatever that means. That's better than most Templars, he imagines. There aren't that many in Riftwatch that he's personally aware of.
Probably because there are a lot of mages who wouldn't react kindly to finding out about them. ]
I won't. [ He'll take care not to let it come up. The only person he can imagine telling anyway is Sylvie, and he's not even sure she would understand the full ramifications of what it means, so.
Yeah. He can keep a secret or three. ]
It doesn't... [ An exhale. ] Make the idea of you inside of me any less intriguing to me. Even though I think perhaps we've both had too much to drink for that particular activity.
[And finally, that's enough to get him to look. There are plenty of people who wouldn't find that worth more than spit. But Loki is not most people. Loki's not even common among Rifters, really.
It's really almost a blessing that Loki brings it back around to the fun distractions they could be doing. Mobius would not necessarily agree that either one of them has had too much to drink for that. But. Maybe if he kicks back the rest of his glass. Would that be too much? What if Loki has the rest of his?
Mobius closes some distance between them and sets his empty glass down beside Loki's that still has drink that shouldn't, he thinks, go to waste.]
I'm still up for it sometime. But it's wiser if we wait for you to be in even a slightly more stable place. I'll stay here, keep you company. I'll stay in the same room if you want. I'll stay in your bed. Doing anything more than that right now is... [He tilts his head. It's wiser to wait, yes. Are they going to? Seems still up in the air. Because it's tempting.] Do you think it's a bad idea?
[ Loki swallows and nods along with Mobius staying he'll stay. That he'll share a bed with him. Really that's the bare minimum he could hope for, but.
Well.
Mobius is standing very close and the desire to touch or kiss or just be held is very strong and he would hate how needy that makes him seem or feel with so many others but not this man. ]
I feel like there's no way I can explain why I don't that wouldn't lead you to worry overmuch about me, or my coping mechanisms when I fall into... ruts like this one. [ He opens his hands at his sides, expression doing something pained and complicated. ] I find sex pleasant and distracting in a way that I am very interested in right now, because very little else feels pleasant or sufficiently distracting.
So there is... that aspect. And I realize how it sounds, and I know it is not considered the best behavior, most likely, but I have been... so lonely, and struggling so much with being alone, that part of me is desperate for something that is not that. That is never that, at least not in the moments it's happening.
[ It's Loki's turn to shut his eyes because he can't imagine that these things he's saying will convince Mobius at all and yet. He's saying them anyway. ]
And I miss... desire, and the physical completion, which I cannot do on my own as sad as I've been, and the feeling of connectedness that happens during and after intimacy.
If it were just that it would be simple enough. Find someone willing to take coin for the exchange of being held and holding in return.
I want it. Is it a bad idea? It feels like one of the least destructive things I could want right now, to be fucked by someone I trust.
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Have I given you the impression that you're disappointing, somehow?
That I'm just looking to replace one person in my history with you?
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I don't think you'd do it deliberately. You may have been a cruel man in the past, but you aren't one now. I trust you enough that you wouldn't try to hurt me or anyone you give a damn about.
[But now that he knows, he has to know:] What do you see when you look at me? Who do you see?
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What could I possibly be correcting?
[ He doesn't know about being predisposed to not being disappointed by Mobius. The one he knew first disappointed him more than once, honestly.
Loki looks at Mobius for a steady moment. ]
I see a man of faith despite earlier crises and struggles with the structures of said faith who has expanded his understanding of the world he lives in as best he can, through books and lived experience and talking to people. I see a man whose first move had been to try and comfort the afflicted when he arrived here in Kirkwall. I see someone who listens and cares about the people he's surrounded by. I see a man who views others as puzzles, not to solve but in the sense of understanding that everyone is a mosaic instead of just one coherent image. I see someone who has secrets, and to be quite honest, I'm more than happy to have you keep them or give them away as you desire.
[ He spreads his hands. ]
It's not the same, actually. There are patterns, certainly, but is not the same.
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He's seen as someone who is himself and not a reflection of someone else.
He blinks through a spate of emotion. Smiles.]
You see all that, and yet you still can't see how beautiful you are.
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[ He frowns, sharply, and briefly reconsiders taking up his glass again before he decides not to. ]
I don't know if it truly balances.
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That you're not bad on the eyes by far is a bonus.
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You know I don't understand.
[ So he is not going to ask, directly. Instead he is going to give Mobius enough room to decide if he wishes to explain himself. ]
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Part of it means I like what I see. Obviously. And I'm not just talking about the outside. [Let's just take a sip of drink here. Hoo. Before we say too much, perhaps?] Part of it means I think you really, truly need to stop beating up on yourself. You make yourself so miserable like you think you deserve it. You don't like the misery, but is being...not miserable so foreign to you that you treat it like a friend?
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[ Loki shakes his head. ]
It's familiar. The misery. The self-hatred. Centuries of familiarity. Things are hard? What haven't I been doing, then? Things are hard for everyone. If I suffer overmuch it must be by my own hand.
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I'm trying. [ He is, it just... feels impossible most days, honestly. A lot of things do. ] Sometimes it even feels possible.
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And I'm here. For you. Right now.
[Something seems to catch. Like he's trying to hold back.]
I would really like to kiss you. And I know it isn't a good idea.
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[ He spreads his hands. ]
What is the phrase? Welcome to the club?
[ His hands fall to his sides. ]
If you would rather wait, we can wait. My interest won't go anywhere if this geas passes.
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You're in the middle of a lot of emotional turmoil. You'd be open to this, [with a motion between them] but I don't think it would be healthy for you to jump in with someone right now. And I'm a little afraid of what it would mean to get myself in the middle of you and at least two of your loves that you're having issues with. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to Sylvie or Alexandrie, either.
If I kissed you, right now, would you be able to stop at a kiss?
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[ He could be wrong, but. He doubts it. When you stab people in the back, literally, all the time, you tend to either have a very intense view of betrayal or an understanding that some things are never comfortable. Loki is attempting to embrace the latter concept, here. Either way, he shrugs. ]
If I told Sylvie that I kissed you she would probably laugh and ask me what took me so long. Or demand to know why I'm telling her in the first place. If I told Alexandrie she'd be happy that I was doing... something normal, I suppose. Normal for me, anyway.
[ Loki has to consider his answer to that last part. ]
I could. If you told me that's what you wanted, I could do that.
[ Is it what he'd desire? No. But that wasn't the question. ]
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[He swirls the remaining liquid in his glass but doesn't drink.]
Is it really that easy? Am I just making this overcomplicated?
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I think perhaps it hasn't been, for you. Or maybe it hasn't ever been complicated and that's the disconnect. Either way, I'm not as worried as you are. About this.
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[...Oh. He said that. That came out of his mouth. He shuts his eyes and tips his head back and just. Counts seconds until something terrible happens.]
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Templar. [ A breath. ] Okay.
[ He would really like to freak out about this. He would. The problem is he said that he didn't care about Mobius' secrets and he meant that, and to freak out now would be to make that more than a little bit of a lie and he, frankly, refuses to do that. Right now. Just no. ]
It doesn't change much. [ Loki is seriously considering finishing his drink, though, but again dismisses the impulse. ] It doesn't change what I want or what I'm interested in.
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And he knows it has to be the truth. It's just still hard to believe that.]
For whatever it's worth, [and he still doesn't open his eyes, doesn't look at Loki, feels like he's waiting for judgement to pass and it passed him by and he feels...unworthy] I'm not one anymore. I'm not going back to the Chantry and fighting at their side as one. I'm here instead.
Don't tell anyone. If you can help it, under the circumstances.
love how i tagged with the WRONG LOKI ACCOUNT
[ It's still a little scary, somehow, in a bit of a distant sort of way, and it makes quite a bit of sense, but Loki feels better knowing that Mobius is friends with Rifters (like himself) and here, fighting the 'good' fight, or whatever that means. That's better than most Templars, he imagines. There aren't that many in Riftwatch that he's personally aware of.
Probably because there are a lot of mages who wouldn't react kindly to finding out about them. ]
I won't. [ He'll take care not to let it come up. The only person he can imagine telling anyway is Sylvie, and he's not even sure she would understand the full ramifications of what it means, so.
Yeah. He can keep a secret or three. ]
It doesn't... [ An exhale. ] Make the idea of you inside of me any less intriguing to me. Even though I think perhaps we've both had too much to drink for that particular activity.
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It's really almost a blessing that Loki brings it back around to the fun distractions they could be doing. Mobius would not necessarily agree that either one of them has had too much to drink for that. But. Maybe if he kicks back the rest of his glass. Would that be too much? What if Loki has the rest of his?
Mobius closes some distance between them and sets his empty glass down beside Loki's that still has drink that shouldn't, he thinks, go to waste.]
I'm still up for it sometime. But it's wiser if we wait for you to be in even a slightly more stable place. I'll stay here, keep you company. I'll stay in the same room if you want. I'll stay in your bed. Doing anything more than that right now is... [He tilts his head. It's wiser to wait, yes. Are they going to? Seems still up in the air. Because it's tempting.] Do you think it's a bad idea?
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Well.
Mobius is standing very close and the desire to touch or kiss or just be held is very strong and he would hate how needy that makes him seem or feel with so many others but not this man. ]
I feel like there's no way I can explain why I don't that wouldn't lead you to worry overmuch about me, or my coping mechanisms when I fall into... ruts like this one. [ He opens his hands at his sides, expression doing something pained and complicated. ] I find sex pleasant and distracting in a way that I am very interested in right now, because very little else feels pleasant or sufficiently distracting.
So there is... that aspect. And I realize how it sounds, and I know it is not considered the best behavior, most likely, but I have been... so lonely, and struggling so much with being alone, that part of me is desperate for something that is not that. That is never that, at least not in the moments it's happening.
[ It's Loki's turn to shut his eyes because he can't imagine that these things he's saying will convince Mobius at all and yet. He's saying them anyway. ]
And I miss... desire, and the physical completion, which I cannot do on my own as sad as I've been, and the feeling of connectedness that happens during and after intimacy.
If it were just that it would be simple enough. Find someone willing to take coin for the exchange of being held and holding in return.
I want it. Is it a bad idea? It feels like one of the least destructive things I could want right now, to be fucked by someone I trust.
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