FR inbox

[favoriteanalyst]

Crystal, In Person, Mail, Gifts, etc.

Comments

[favoriteanalyst]

I absolutely want another drink, thanks.

[Another reason they shouldn't end up in bed getting down and dirty tonight. They will probably be too buzzed to even get it up. That sounds more and more likely and even nice the more he thinks about it.]

Of course I'm worried you're projecting. He's me. I don't know what you see in this other me, and I don't know what you see in me, and I don't know where the similarities are or aren't.

I kind of can't believe he picked the same name as me.

[icasm]

[ Loki does not, for whatever it's worth, expect that they will actually manage fucking tonight. Too much to drink, too many emotions that aren't conducive to that sort of thing. But some other physical intimacy seems... possible. ]

I think it was picked for him, actually.

[ Saying this as he takes Mobius' glass and pours another drink into it before handing it off. ]

I can tell you things that are different. He has never been a fighter, for one thing.

[favoriteanalyst]

What is he, then? Sylvie mentioned something about him burning down some shitty organization he was a part of. That he hunted her down, before that.

[icasm]

He was human, once. Millennia ago, most likely. With a life, presumably a family. The organization that hunted Sylvie from childhood told him he was their creation, like countless others who worked for them, and he had no reason to disbelieve it, even though they were the ones who removed him from his previous existence.

He's a strategist, mostly.

[favoriteanalyst]

[Like with Sylvie, the individual words make sense, but strung together, it forms some kind of picture he isn't sure he's even equipped to see.

But it also sounds familiar in a way that unsettles him.]

I don't remember my childhood. [And then he clamps his mouth shut after that, swirling the liquid in its glass and being far more interested in that.

When he opens his mouth again:] I don't draw up battle plans; I just do what I'm told, mostly. But I've always had an insightful and inquisitive mind. I like to think I'm smart. Then I get proven wrong time and again.

[icasm]

You are smart. Being ignorant of the machinations of various universes doesn't change that.

[ Loki gives a little shrug. ]

I'm sorry for how weird this must be.

[favoriteanalyst]

I want to know about him, but also, I don't know if I want to, because I know I'll compare myself. My...selves.

I hope I'm not a disappointment.

[icasm]

[ Loki frowns and sets his glass down. ]

Have I given you the impression that you're disappointing, somehow?

That I'm just looking to replace one person in my history with you?

[favoriteanalyst]

You haven't. But you might be predisposed to not being disappointed by someone with this face and name. Maybe you've got it in your head that you're correcting a mistake.

I don't think you'd do it deliberately. You may have been a cruel man in the past, but you aren't one now. I trust you enough that you wouldn't try to hurt me or anyone you give a damn about.

[But now that he knows, he has to know:] What do you see when you look at me? Who do you see?

[icasm]

[ There's a bit of a snort, at that. ]

What could I possibly be correcting?

[ He doesn't know about being predisposed to not being disappointed by Mobius. The one he knew first disappointed him more than once, honestly.

Loki looks at Mobius for a steady moment. ]

I see a man of faith despite earlier crises and struggles with the structures of said faith who has expanded his understanding of the world he lives in as best he can, through books and lived experience and talking to people. I see a man whose first move had been to try and comfort the afflicted when he arrived here in Kirkwall. I see someone who listens and cares about the people he's surrounded by. I see a man who views others as puzzles, not to solve but in the sense of understanding that everyone is a mosaic instead of just one coherent image. I see someone who has secrets, and to be quite honest, I'm more than happy to have you keep them or give them away as you desire.

[ He spreads his hands. ]

It's not the same, actually. There are patterns, certainly, but is not the same.

[favoriteanalyst]

[He breathes steady through it, in deep, out deep. Because it's one thing to see, and another to be seen. And it helps, it helps tremendously, to know that while Loki can see he keeps secrets, he's perfectly fine not digging at them. They might come up (inadvertently at this rate), they might not, but it's fine to leave them where they lie.

He's seen as someone who is himself and not a reflection of someone else.

He blinks through a spate of emotion. Smiles.]

You see all that, and yet you still can't see how beautiful you are.

[icasm]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am not a good person. It is of great comfort that I am pleasant to look at but...

[ He frowns, sharply, and briefly reconsiders taking up his glass again before he decides not to. ]

I don't know if it truly balances.

[favoriteanalyst]

I didn't say you're a good person, Loki. I said you're beautiful.

That you're not bad on the eyes by far is a bonus.

[icasm]

[ A huff that is one part sigh, one part amusement, one part confusion. ]

You know I don't understand.

[ So he is not going to ask, directly. Instead he is going to give Mobius enough room to decide if he wishes to explain himself. ]

[favoriteanalyst]

I know.

Part of it means I like what I see. Obviously. And I'm not just talking about the outside. [Let's just take a sip of drink here. Hoo. Before we say too much, perhaps?] Part of it means I think you really, truly need to stop beating up on yourself. You make yourself so miserable like you think you deserve it. You don't like the misery, but is being...not miserable so foreign to you that you treat it like a friend?

[icasm]

I've been miserable for most of my life and was informed time and again that the lack must have been mine. That I had enough power, position, whathaveyou, to have not been miserable in the first place. Couldn't I just be like my brother instead?

[ Loki shakes his head. ]

It's familiar. The misery. The self-hatred. Centuries of familiarity. Things are hard? What haven't I been doing, then? Things are hard for everyone. If I suffer overmuch it must be by my own hand.

[favoriteanalyst]

I want to help break you out of that. I just don't know if I can actually touch it. If anything I have to say will really make a difference to someone like you.

[icasm]

[ He closes his eyes. ]

I'm trying. [ He is, it just... feels impossible most days, honestly. A lot of things do. ] Sometimes it even feels possible.

[favoriteanalyst]

You don't have to try alone. You don't have to lock yourself up in bed for days and weeks. I should have stayed, when I was here, but I didn't think I'd be good company.

[icasm]

It's not as though I was inclined to be honest about what I wanted. [ Which was, in fact, for someone to be there with him. ] Needing other people is terrifying when you're certain you are one wrong step away from ending whatever precious few friendships you have.

[favoriteanalyst]

I'm not easy to chase away.

And I'm here. For you. Right now.

[Something seems to catch. Like he's trying to hold back.]

I would really like to kiss you. And I know it isn't a good idea.

[icasm]

It's a bad idea because I am unstable, and things are strange and too honest, and you're not sure what happens after?

[ He spreads his hands. ]

What is the phrase? Welcome to the club?

[ His hands fall to his sides. ]

If you would rather wait, we can wait. My interest won't go anywhere if this geas passes.

[favoriteanalyst]

I don't... [Whatever he was about to say, he shuts his mouth and decides to rephrase it into something that is more honest.] I mind this forceful honesty, but I don't think it's a reason not to kiss you. I'm not prone to lying to you, but I do tell half-truths and technicalities. I don't know what you would do if you learned the full truth of me, but...I also don't think you have any real place to judge.

You're in the middle of a lot of emotional turmoil. You'd be open to this, [with a motion between them] but I don't think it would be healthy for you to jump in with someone right now. And I'm a little afraid of what it would mean to get myself in the middle of you and at least two of your loves that you're having issues with. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to Sylvie or Alexandrie, either.

If I kissed you, right now, would you be able to stop at a kiss?

[icasm]

I'm going to set aside what I don't know of you for now, because I am fairly convinced that whatever it is, as upsetting or distressing or whatnot as it may be, will not be enough to change our friendship. Because I already know what you aren't, if that makes any sense.

[ He could be wrong, but. He doubts it. When you stab people in the back, literally, all the time, you tend to either have a very intense view of betrayal or an understanding that some things are never comfortable. Loki is attempting to embrace the latter concept, here. Either way, he shrugs. ]

If I told Sylvie that I kissed you she would probably laugh and ask me what took me so long. Or demand to know why I'm telling her in the first place. If I told Alexandrie she'd be happy that I was doing... something normal, I suppose. Normal for me, anyway.

[ Loki has to consider his answer to that last part. ]

I could. If you told me that's what you wanted, I could do that.

[ Is it what he'd desire? No. But that wasn't the question. ]

[favoriteanalyst]

You make it sound so easy.

[He swirls the remaining liquid in his glass but doesn't drink.]

Is it really that easy? Am I just making this overcomplicated?