[This feels like dangerous ground he's standing on. Like it could quake under his feet, like it could crack into an endless chasm. He finishes his drink, sets the glass down, holds it there. Turns it back and forth and doesn't look at Loki.]
You asked me, before, if there's a line between friendship and lovers, and right now, for me, there isn't much of one. Perhaps in part due to the fact that I haven't had many friends before coming here, and my interactions with lovers tended to be brief and didn't last.
So having friends is new. Having lovers who stick around and... care, is also new.
[ He sighs, a little. ]
I don't know if I'm making much sense. But you are my friend, and I am attracted to my friends, for whatever that's worth. I'm not asking for one night's distraction.
If that is more or less what you're interested in then... [ A shrug. ] We probably shouldn't.
[The spinning of the glass turns into a light tap and finally pulls his hand away and looks up at Loki. Assesses him.
It isn't that friends who are also lovers appalls him or anything. He's not, however, sure that Loki sees a difference between friendship and love, and that's...different. Lovers don't have to be in love. And Loki's entire situation is so complicated.
He'd only be another complication. Right now. But Loki seems convinced that he wants this. Just because he's a good friend? Is that all that it is?]
Did you happen to know me before you came to Thedas?
[It sounds insane to him even after it comes out of his mouth. But Sylvie said she knew him. A him. A variant. And she knew Loki. A variant of her, or vice versa.
He's never had any idea how much of what she says is true. But what better way to find out than to ask now? At least as far as Loki understands.]
[ Loki blinks, and then peers at the carpet beneath his feet. ]
Yes.
[ He takes a breath. ]
We were friends. My first friend, really, who knew everything terrible thing I'd ever done and still... [ A shrug. ] Cared? And told me I could be someone better if that's what I wanted.
[That he knows about the Loki and family that are native here, that he knows about Loki and Sylvie, softens the blow. But it's still something...to reconcile with. At some point. That not only is he not unique, but that two people he cares deeply about are already familiar with him. With a variant of him.
He keeps his eyes locked on Loki.]
Does however you feel about him color how you feel about me?
I don't know if I was attracted to him, honestly. [ He shrugs his shoulders with a grumpy expression. ] I was too wrapped up in Sylvie and he had his own path to follow.
[He furrows his brow.] But you're not too wrapped up in Sylvie now. In her or in Alexandrie. Even though you also are attracted to your friends, and he was your friend.
He was my first friend, and... I've had more time to think about it. What it means to have friends. Here. I've been here for a year, nearly? And everything has changed, everything I am, everything I took for granted about myself, about other people, about what I knew to be true.
There are similarities. Things that remain constant between the Mobius I know and you. But you're not exactly the same person, and it's not exactly the same role in my life. I've lived a long time, making plans, and then I gave up on plans, and just tried my best, and now... I don't know. Where the balance is.
You're worried that I'm projecting. [ He doesn't really know what to do with that. ] Loving Sylvie taught me that I could care for someone outside of my own plans for their usefulness, but my friendship with Mobius taught me that I could do that and still be... myself.
[ He shakes his head, and pours himself another drink. ]
[Another reason they shouldn't end up in bed getting down and dirty tonight. They will probably be too buzzed to even get it up. That sounds more and more likely and even nice the more he thinks about it.]
Of course I'm worried you're projecting. He's me. I don't know what you see in this other me, and I don't know what you see in me, and I don't know where the similarities are or aren't.
I kind of can't believe he picked the same name as me.
[ Loki does not, for whatever it's worth, expect that they will actually manage fucking tonight. Too much to drink, too many emotions that aren't conducive to that sort of thing. But some other physical intimacy seems... possible. ]
I think it was picked for him, actually.
[ Saying this as he takes Mobius' glass and pours another drink into it before handing it off. ]
I can tell you things that are different. He has never been a fighter, for one thing.
He was human, once. Millennia ago, most likely. With a life, presumably a family. The organization that hunted Sylvie from childhood told him he was their creation, like countless others who worked for them, and he had no reason to disbelieve it, even though they were the ones who removed him from his previous existence.
[Like with Sylvie, the individual words make sense, but strung together, it forms some kind of picture he isn't sure he's even equipped to see.
But it also sounds familiar in a way that unsettles him.]
I don't remember my childhood. [And then he clamps his mouth shut after that, swirling the liquid in its glass and being far more interested in that.
When he opens his mouth again:] I don't draw up battle plans; I just do what I'm told, mostly. But I've always had an insightful and inquisitive mind. I like to think I'm smart. Then I get proven wrong time and again.
You haven't. But you might be predisposed to not being disappointed by someone with this face and name. Maybe you've got it in your head that you're correcting a mistake.
I don't think you'd do it deliberately. You may have been a cruel man in the past, but you aren't one now. I trust you enough that you wouldn't try to hurt me or anyone you give a damn about.
[But now that he knows, he has to know:] What do you see when you look at me? Who do you see?
[ He doesn't know about being predisposed to not being disappointed by Mobius. The one he knew first disappointed him more than once, honestly.
Loki looks at Mobius for a steady moment. ]
I see a man of faith despite earlier crises and struggles with the structures of said faith who has expanded his understanding of the world he lives in as best he can, through books and lived experience and talking to people. I see a man whose first move had been to try and comfort the afflicted when he arrived here in Kirkwall. I see someone who listens and cares about the people he's surrounded by. I see a man who views others as puzzles, not to solve but in the sense of understanding that everyone is a mosaic instead of just one coherent image. I see someone who has secrets, and to be quite honest, I'm more than happy to have you keep them or give them away as you desire.
[ He spreads his hands. ]
It's not the same, actually. There are patterns, certainly, but is not the same.
[He breathes steady through it, in deep, out deep. Because it's one thing to see, and another to be seen. And it helps, it helps tremendously, to know that while Loki can see he keeps secrets, he's perfectly fine not digging at them. They might come up (inadvertently at this rate), they might not, but it's fine to leave them where they lie.
He's seen as someone who is himself and not a reflection of someone else.
He blinks through a spate of emotion. Smiles.]
You see all that, and yet you still can't see how beautiful you are.
Part of it means I like what I see. Obviously. And I'm not just talking about the outside. [Let's just take a sip of drink here. Hoo. Before we say too much, perhaps?] Part of it means I think you really, truly need to stop beating up on yourself. You make yourself so miserable like you think you deserve it. You don't like the misery, but is being...not miserable so foreign to you that you treat it like a friend?
I've been miserable for most of my life and was informed time and again that the lack must have been mine. That I had enough power, position, whathaveyou, to have not been miserable in the first place. Couldn't I just be like my brother instead?
[ Loki shakes his head. ]
It's familiar. The misery. The self-hatred. Centuries of familiarity. Things are hard? What haven't I been doing, then? Things are hard for everyone. If I suffer overmuch it must be by my own hand.
I want to help break you out of that. I just don't know if I can actually touch it. If anything I have to say will really make a difference to someone like you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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What would it be about if not just tonight?
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So having friends is new. Having lovers who stick around and... care, is also new.
[ He sighs, a little. ]
I don't know if I'm making much sense. But you are my friend, and I am attracted to my friends, for whatever that's worth. I'm not asking for one night's distraction.
If that is more or less what you're interested in then... [ A shrug. ] We probably shouldn't.
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It isn't that friends who are also lovers appalls him or anything. He's not, however, sure that Loki sees a difference between friendship and love, and that's...different. Lovers don't have to be in love. And Loki's entire situation is so complicated.
He'd only be another complication. Right now. But Loki seems convinced that he wants this. Just because he's a good friend? Is that all that it is?]
Did you happen to know me before you came to Thedas?
[It sounds insane to him even after it comes out of his mouth. But Sylvie said she knew him. A him. A variant. And she knew Loki. A variant of her, or vice versa.
He's never had any idea how much of what she says is true. But what better way to find out than to ask now? At least as far as Loki understands.]
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Yes.
[ He takes a breath. ]
We were friends. My first friend, really, who knew everything terrible thing I'd ever done and still... [ A shrug. ] Cared? And told me I could be someone better if that's what I wanted.
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He keeps his eyes locked on Loki.]
Does however you feel about him color how you feel about me?
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[ Is that what Mobius is asking? Probably not. ]
I don't know if I was attracted to him, honestly. [ He shrugs his shoulders with a grumpy expression. ] I was too wrapped up in Sylvie and he had his own path to follow.
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There are similarities. Things that remain constant between the Mobius I know and you. But you're not exactly the same person, and it's not exactly the same role in my life. I've lived a long time, making plans, and then I gave up on plans, and just tried my best, and now... I don't know. Where the balance is.
You're worried that I'm projecting. [ He doesn't really know what to do with that. ] Loving Sylvie taught me that I could care for someone outside of my own plans for their usefulness, but my friendship with Mobius taught me that I could do that and still be... myself.
[ He shakes his head, and pours himself another drink. ]
Do you want another drink?
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[Another reason they shouldn't end up in bed getting down and dirty tonight. They will probably be too buzzed to even get it up. That sounds more and more likely and even nice the more he thinks about it.]
Of course I'm worried you're projecting. He's me. I don't know what you see in this other me, and I don't know what you see in me, and I don't know where the similarities are or aren't.
I kind of can't believe he picked the same name as me.
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I think it was picked for him, actually.
[ Saying this as he takes Mobius' glass and pours another drink into it before handing it off. ]
I can tell you things that are different. He has never been a fighter, for one thing.
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He's a strategist, mostly.
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But it also sounds familiar in a way that unsettles him.]
I don't remember my childhood. [And then he clamps his mouth shut after that, swirling the liquid in its glass and being far more interested in that.
When he opens his mouth again:] I don't draw up battle plans; I just do what I'm told, mostly. But I've always had an insightful and inquisitive mind. I like to think I'm smart. Then I get proven wrong time and again.
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[ Loki gives a little shrug. ]
I'm sorry for how weird this must be.
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I hope I'm not a disappointment.
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Have I given you the impression that you're disappointing, somehow?
That I'm just looking to replace one person in my history with you?
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I don't think you'd do it deliberately. You may have been a cruel man in the past, but you aren't one now. I trust you enough that you wouldn't try to hurt me or anyone you give a damn about.
[But now that he knows, he has to know:] What do you see when you look at me? Who do you see?
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What could I possibly be correcting?
[ He doesn't know about being predisposed to not being disappointed by Mobius. The one he knew first disappointed him more than once, honestly.
Loki looks at Mobius for a steady moment. ]
I see a man of faith despite earlier crises and struggles with the structures of said faith who has expanded his understanding of the world he lives in as best he can, through books and lived experience and talking to people. I see a man whose first move had been to try and comfort the afflicted when he arrived here in Kirkwall. I see someone who listens and cares about the people he's surrounded by. I see a man who views others as puzzles, not to solve but in the sense of understanding that everyone is a mosaic instead of just one coherent image. I see someone who has secrets, and to be quite honest, I'm more than happy to have you keep them or give them away as you desire.
[ He spreads his hands. ]
It's not the same, actually. There are patterns, certainly, but is not the same.
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He's seen as someone who is himself and not a reflection of someone else.
He blinks through a spate of emotion. Smiles.]
You see all that, and yet you still can't see how beautiful you are.
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[ He frowns, sharply, and briefly reconsiders taking up his glass again before he decides not to. ]
I don't know if it truly balances.
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That you're not bad on the eyes by far is a bonus.
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You know I don't understand.
[ So he is not going to ask, directly. Instead he is going to give Mobius enough room to decide if he wishes to explain himself. ]
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Part of it means I like what I see. Obviously. And I'm not just talking about the outside. [Let's just take a sip of drink here. Hoo. Before we say too much, perhaps?] Part of it means I think you really, truly need to stop beating up on yourself. You make yourself so miserable like you think you deserve it. You don't like the misery, but is being...not miserable so foreign to you that you treat it like a friend?
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[ Loki shakes his head. ]
It's familiar. The misery. The self-hatred. Centuries of familiarity. Things are hard? What haven't I been doing, then? Things are hard for everyone. If I suffer overmuch it must be by my own hand.
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love how i tagged with the WRONG LOKI ACCOUNT
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